Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go forward,but the road is still a rough and rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed as I did have only one thing planned for today and I wanted to get it done.
I had only one place to go.I simply went to a local store to pick up a few things.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I simply popped a DVD in the DVD player and relaxed while watching it.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,but the road is still a rough and rocky one.I am still having to struggles with the symptoms of BPD.It is never an easy struggle to deal with.I have to put up with the continuous emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I don't know how my mood will be from one day to the next.Aside from that,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that makes the struggle even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier,either.I will still continue my therapy sessions.I will also continue to take my medication as directed.I am hoping that some day soon,my recover will start improving and I will feel good for a long time rather than this continuous emotional roller coaster ride that I am on.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.It was also another throbbing one.I had to really fight this overwhelming urge to masturbate this erection away.I tried to toss and turn,but it didn't work.But then,I felt that I needed to use the bathroom,so I got up and walked to the bathroom and while walking there,the erection died down.After using the bathroom,I went right back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have in any way,shape or form,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to keep in mind that acting out on these unnatural desires that I have will never give me what I truly need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I also have to continue keep in mind that God never intended sexuality the way that the world is using it at the moment.God intended for each of us,male or female,to be healthy and happy Heterosexuals.In God's eyes,we are all Heterosexual as that is what God intended us to be.I simply look at myself as being a Heterosexual man with a Homosexual problem.Right now,the only thing that I truly want and need is healthy and authentic relationships with my fellow man so I can feel like a man and be A MAN among men.I still get tempted,on a daily basis,to go out and seek out male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I willfully choose to stay home and also,I choose not to satisfy nor feed that temptation.I am still seeking advice and/or suggestions as to what has worked for anyone who continues to follow this blog.I have been getting people checking out what I post on here,but nobody leaves anything encouraging or helpful.To those who check out and read,please leave me an encouraging and helpful comment or two.I need to get by and only the help of people,especially from my fellow men,can get me by.I am applying advice that someone else has given me and I am using it,but I am still open to anything more.Please help me.Thanks in advance for doing so.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I need to attend.After that,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ