Tonight,my road to recovery continues to move forward,though the road is still a rough and rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of the as I had only a few things planned.
There really wasn't much to do today as a result of having rain for the majority of the day.But I did have a few things planned.I first went to a local supermarket to pick up a box of herbal Echinacea tea.After paying for that,I headed over to the bank to withdraw some money for my mom and myself.After that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I registered all the money that I had at the Where's George site and after that was done,I relaxed and popped a DVD in the DVD player.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,which I had to go back out and get it from a local restaurant,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery moves forward,though the road is still a rough and rocky one.I have to continually put up with the symptoms of BPD on a daily basis.I have to also put up with the continuous emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I can never predict when my mood will be up or when it will be down.It is just a constant struggle to try and keep yourself emotionally balanced when having BPD and putting up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with it.Aside from that,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that makes it even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier,either.I am going to continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that one of these days,my mood will improve and I will feel good for quite a while rather than this emotional roller coaster ride that I am constantly on.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.It was another throbbing erection at that.Since I had to use the bathroom,I got up and headed for the bathroom and the erection softened as I was heading for there.After using the bathroom,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this temptation episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have.The temptation to act out on them can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to keep in mind that acting out,no matter what form of it is,will never give me what I truly need and want.I need real friendships with other men and I want to be affirmed in my gender identity and have feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I want to feel like a man as I am a man and I want to be A MAN among men.I still get tempted,on a daily basis,to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them.When that temptation rolls around,I choose to simply stay home and not satisfy nor feed that temptation.Aside from that,I also get tempted to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near erect for the purpose of masturbation and at times,I do give into that temptation,but lately,I have chosen to stop myself midway whenever orgasm is about to happen.Aside from SSA,I also struggle with psychological secondary erectile dysfunction as a result of all the abusive things that I went through,including legalistic religious groups,such as the cult that I dropped out of when I was younger and my overbearing religious fanatic father,who was also very legalistic in his approach to me and also,clashes with impulses on both the Homosexual and Heterosexual fronts as I used to get repeatedly pressured and called names by people all because I never gave them what they wanted.Plus,I also think that even the psychiatric medication that I take also has a hand in it as well.I sense that it is psychological because I can get erections while I sleep in the wee early morning hours and I can get myself erect by simple manipulation,although orgasm happens too fast.I really want to stop this terrible,impure and unclean masturbation habit.Masturbation,whether it is emotional or sexual,is a form of acting out and like other forms of acting out on these unnatural desires,it only reinforces that Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to escape and distance myself from.Again,I have seen that there are many visitors to my blog and that they read the posts that I make.I did receive some advice from one person and I am using it to the best of my ability.Still,I am open to any suggestions or advice as to how I can continue to resist any temptation.I know that a lot of you are reading,but nobody is leaving anything positive or encouraging to me.Please leave something that will encourage me or something positive that will help me.I would greatly appreciate that.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I have a Men's Network meeting that I must attend.Aide from that,I have no other plans,But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ