Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,though still rough and rocky.I had a pretty good day.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day.
I had only a few things to do today.I simply stayed close to home so I could be near my mom whenever she would need me.She hasn't been feeling well as of late and I just wanted to be near her whenever she would need me for anything.I simply ran a few errands close to home and just stayed local just in case she would need me for anything.
I first went to a local supermarket to pick up a few things that we needed.After paying for those items,I headed over to the local Sears to pick up something for myself.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.I also popped a DVD in the DVD player and watched it.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my road to recovery continues onward,the road is still a very rough and rocky one.Then again,when one,like myself,struggles with BPD,it is never an easy one.I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I don't know if I will be up or down as I go on my day to day life.Sometimes,it happens all in the same day where I am up one minute and I am down the next minute.It is always a very difficult struggle and it never gets easier.Aside from the BPD,I also struggle with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have,which makes it even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier at all.Despite that,I will still continue my therapy sessions and I will continue to take my medication as directed.I am hoping that someday soon,my recovery will improve and I will feel good for a long while rather than this emotional roller coaster ride that I am constantly on.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another morning erection.This also was another throbbing erection.My temptation to masturbate are strongest when I have an erection in the wee early morning hours.I had to really fight his overwhelming temptation.The erection was also painful as I was breathing heavily to try and resist that temptation.I tried to toss and turn,but it didn't work.I had to get up and walk about and head for the bathroom because I had to use it.As I was walking there,the erection died down and after using the bathroom,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped that episode this morning,I still have to put up with the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have whenever the temptation comes.The temptation does vary as it can be to masturbate,watch porn or going out to seek other men for the purpose of indulging in sinful sexual activity with them.The third temptation is the most common for me as it happens on a daily basis.When that temptation occurs,I simply choose to stay home and not feed nor satisfy that temptation.The other two are my main problem areas as they are the most difficult to resist for me.The temptation to act out,regardless of what type of acting out it is,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to continually endure these temptations as these unnatural desires that I have can get really strong.In the past,I used to indulge in sinful sexual activity when the opportunity presented itself to me as that was way of coping with the unnatural desires during that time.But now,my priorities have changed and since I know the truth about Homosexuality and it's root cause and contributors,I no longer want to be a part of that sinful sexual lifestyle that a lot of men with these desires have chosen to live rather than search with themselves to find out what was the root cause and what possible contributors had led them to acquire this identity.I have read the books and I am a member of many online support groups that help many men,such as myself,overcome these unnatural desires.Though I have those resources,I am always wanting more.If anyone out there can offer any encouraging words that will support me in my endeavors to overcome these things,please share and I will try to the best of my strength to put these to work for me.I no longer want to reinforce the Homosexual identity because that is the identity that I am trying to escape and distance myself from.I only want to reinforce my true identity,which is male and because I am a man and a member of the male sex,that is the only identity that I want to reinforce.I will never accept no other identity other than the male identity,which is what I am and I am nothing else other than a human being.Again,any encouraging words in the forms of advice and/or suggestions are truly welcomed.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ