Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though the road is still a rough and rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I got dressed and proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I only had a few things planned.I first went to Best Buy to pay on my credit card and after that was done,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up a couple of things that were needed.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I popped a DVD in the DVD player and relaxed for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my recovery continues onward,the road is still a rough and rocky one.Then again,when somebody,such as myself,is battling the symptoms of BPD,the road is never an easy one.I have to put up with being on a continuous emotional roller coaster ride.I don't know if I will be up or down on certain days or if it will be on the same day where I am feeling up and good one minute and down and not so good the next.At times,it can be and feel unbearable.I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that makes it even more difficult.It also makes my struggles with SSA even more difficult to endure.The only things that I can do is continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that one day,I will feel good and continue to feel good for a while rather than this dreaded continuous emotional roller coaster ride.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by another erection that was also another throbbing one.I really had to fight and resist this overwhelming temptation.I had to really toss and turn to get rid of this erection and when that didn't work,I had to get up and walk to the bathroom to use it and while I did that,the erection died down.I went back to sleep shortly afterwards.Though I escaped this episode,I am still having to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out,no matter what form of it is,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to put up with the temptations to act out as they come and believe me,the struggle to fight and resist these temptations is a very difficult one.I still get tempted to watch porn and also,I still get tempted to go out and seek other men for the purpose of indulging in sinful sexual relations with them.When that latter temptations starts to occur,I simply choose to stay home and not feed nor satisfy that particular temptation as acting out,no matter what form it is,will never give me what I so desperately need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I seek to have healthy affirming relationships with my fellow men in the forms of close friendships that can lead to closeness,bonding and connecting with them in a healthy and authentic way.The only love that a man can give another man is brotherly love and that love is non-sexual and very real and affirming.As I have stated before,I am still seeking advice and/or suggestions as to how I can continue resisting these temptations that I keep getting.I know that being tempted isn't sinful,but giving into the temptations are sinful.If anyone is reading these posts and has any ideas on how I can continue to stay strong,please share them.I am open to anything that is encouraging and supportive.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
Tomorrow morning,it is church as usual and the morning's Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the worship service.As for the rest of the day,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it give me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ