Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After my bath,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.I had only a couple of things planned.
I first went to the post office to mail out a couple of things that had to be mailed.After completing this task,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed until it was time for me to go to my appointment with the pastor of the church for my weekly study lesson with him.
The session went great and after it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and I took it easy.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my recovery continues onward,I am still struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I don't know how my mood will be from one day to the next.I don't know if I will be up and feeling good or down and not so good.Aside from that,I also have schizophrenic tendencies alongside the BPD and that makes it even more difficult.I am still attending my therapy sessions and I am still taking my medication as directed.I am also still continuing to rely on God and his son Jesus Christ more than anything.When the struggle seems too unbearable,I turn to God and ask in his son Jesus Christ's name to help me get through the strain and help to sustain me through it all.It is never easy suffering from a mental illness,but with the divine intervention of both God and Christ,it is wonderful that I am not alone and that they are there to help when asked to help.Thanks to both of them for everything.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when yet another throbbing erection woke me up out of a deep sleep.This time,the temptation didn't last too long as when I started to get up,the erection started to soften and after about a minute or two,I simply laid back down and went back to sleep.Later on,I had to stop myself as I was bathing,I started manipulating my genitals while sexual images of men started to cloud my mind.I stopped myself and after my bath,I asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for that as it was wrong for me to do.I have figured out the root cause of this,though.In the past,I used to watch a lot of Homosexual sex themed porn and as a result of that,the sexual images of men from those porn videos cloud my mind up.Not only that,while watching the porn,I at times used to fantasize that I was in the video myself performing the sexual act on the other man.I haven't watched any porn in a long time,but the images still continue to cloud my mind when I least expect them to and that leads me to almost giving into or giving into the temptation to act out by masturbating to these images.Since I have been in the process of healing and that I now know the truth about Homosexuality/SSA and that acting out is a choice as well as living the life of a sexually active Homosexual person is also a choice,I feel that Satan and his minions are trying to lure me back into that sinful sexual lifestyle.They are trying to get me to having sex with other men by simply making my mind rehash all those impure and unclean erotic images of other men having sex with each other and also,bringing up images of men in the nude alongside that.I really want to clear my mind permanently of these disgusting,impure,unclean,immoral and degrading images of this sort of thing.I will keep praying and to and relying on God and Jesus Christ to help me clear my mind of these degrading images and help me to think pure and clean thoughts of my fellow men and to look at them as brothers in a spiritual sense and that the only real manly love that any man can give to other men is brotherly love and there is no substitute for that type of love as it is non-sexual,unselfish and best of all,can make any man feel like a man.I have to continually keep in mind that I am a male and that is the only identity that I am.I refuse to accept no other identity other than the identity of me being a human being and a male.Again,I willfully refuse to accept no other identity.I am a male.I am a human being and those are the only titles that I accept.I am going to continue praying to and relying on both God and Jesus Christ whenever this struggle seems to get too overwhelming and/or unbearable to go through.I am also asking for prayers by those who continue to follow my blog regularly.Please pray for me that I can get my mind cleared of all these disgusting and degrading sexual images of men.Thanks in advance for all the prayers and for all of your support through this difficult time.It is very much appreciated.
As for the weekend,I have no plans.But I am hoping that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the weekend ahead.FJ