Tonight,my road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day as I had a few things planned.
After having lunch,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up a few things that were needed.After paying for those items,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up something that I forgot to pick up yesterday.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the groceries away in their proper places and I relaxed for a while.I also watched a DVD while doing so.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my road to recovery continues to go forward,I am still dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with it.I don't know if I will be up and feeling good or down and not so good.At times,it happens all on the same day.It is a very difficult thing to deal with and everything.Also,aside from the symptoms of BPD,I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes it even more difficult.But still,no matter how difficult it might be,I am still continuing to rely on God more to help get me through all of this.With the help of God and his son Jesus Christ,I am not alone in my mental illness struggles and that is wonderful.I also appreciate the assistance that they provide and that is great.The process of having BPD,with schizophrenic tendencies on the side,is never an easy thing to deal with or even struggle with.But with the help and direction of both God and Christ,it makes it only a tad easier,but still difficult.Thanks to both God and Christ for being there.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened out of a deep sleep by yet another throbbing erection.The urge to masturbate this away was very overwhelming.I had to use all of the strength that I had to resist this overwhelming urge.I did turn to God in prayer for strength to assist me in fighting and resisting this urge and as I talked about it,the erection started to soften and since I sensed that I had to use the bathroom,I simply got up and went to the bathroom and after using it,I simply went back to sleep.I wasn't out of it yet as later on,I was sitting in a chair and I started to manipulate my genitals while sexual images of men clouded my mind.I did stop myself from this when I realized what was happening and immediately asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for that unclean and impure things.Though I escaped these episodes,I still have to continually keep in mind that the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have,no matter what form of it can be,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I am always in the fight for my life against these evil,unnatural and impure sexual desires that I have,which I refuse to let dictate to me how and who I am as a person.While I may have SSA and I do struggle with these unnatural desires that I have that are relative to the condition,I simply refuse to let these unnatural desires that I have decide for me who I will be or what I will be.I am a male and that is all that I am.The body that I have is meant to be compatible with that of a female's body.I also have to keep in mind that God did not nor did he ever intend for sexuality to be used the way that the world outside the church is using it for.Though those so called "Gay" activists keep saying for many men to simply accept their sexual identity,which is counterfeit in and of itself,they will be okay and in the long run,they'll feel good about themselves.But that is not true at all.When I was active in that sinful sexual lifestyle known as the so called "Gay" lifestyle,I was miserable.I felt used and unwanted.Instead of getting love and acceptance,I was only asked to relieve other guys when they wanted relief.I indulged in a lot of the activity that it offered to please those other guys and while it did make me feel good for a while,the good feelings soon ended and I was back to where I was before I did the sexual act on them.I have found out on my own that true and real male love is extremely rare in that sinful sexual lifestyle as the only main emphasis is sex,sex and more sex.I am glad that I am out of that lifestyle and I never want to go back,though Satan and his minions want me to simply surrender to the unnatural desires that I have and simply indulge in all the sinful sexual pleasures that the so called "Gay" lifestyle offers,and that is my choice and decision.I am not going to let these unnatural desires that I have tell me how I should live my life.I am going to continue and have to rely on God and Jesus Christ more when these temptations try to get the worst of me and want me to sin against God.I have to continue doing that whenever that happens and I know that in the long run,I will feel better.Thanks again to both God and Christ for being there and leading the way.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I must attend and after that,lunch at a local kitchen.Aside from that,I have nothing else planned.But I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ