Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I showered.After my shower,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I first went to the local Sears to pay a bill and after that,I headed over to a local Salvation Army thrift store to look around.After that,I headed over to the local K-Mart to pick up a couple of things.After that,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick ups much needed groceries and after that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put all the groceries away and I went to my room upstairs to throw some garbage away that needed to be thrown away.It took me about two hours to get done,but I managed to get everything done and when I was finished,I relaxed and did some reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
While my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and it's accompanying emotional roller coaster ride.My moods and/or emotions fluctuate from day to day,or at other times,from minute/moment to minute/moment within the same day.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my BPD struggles even more difficult.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also continuing to take my medication as directed.I am also continuing to rely more on my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ whenever this particular struggle seems to be getting way too difficult for me to handle.I simply take this particular struggle to my Heavenly Father,throw it on hm as a burden,and ask him in the name of his son Jesus Christ to help get me through all the negatives affects of this particular psychiatric double whammy that I struggle with and they both help in sustaining me and also,they both help keep me on a much calmer and more level plain.I am not alone in this particular struggle and that does make me feel a tad better.Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation by masturbating in the wee early morning hours.I had a throbbing erection and I grabbed a hold of my genitals and masturbated away.I really felt miserable after this particular fall and I immediately asked my heavenly Father to forgive me for sinning in the name of his son Jesus Christ.This fall was mostly emotional,though there was some lusting involved as well.I did feel much better after asking my Heavenly Father for forgiveness as I was truly sorry for sinning against him.I know and truly believe that I am forgiven and that my Heavenly Father has wiped the slate clean.For the rest of the day,I tried to keep busy as to not fall again like I did this morning.I was out for some of the day and I concentrated on the cleaning work in my upstairs bedroom.Nothing hindered me for the rest of the day as I went along.I am also again asking that all of you who follow my blog and read my posts to please continue praying for me and also,to please leave me an encouraging word or two in the comments.Your prayers and encouraging are not only very important to me,but also are desperately needed.They both help keep me going in this particular struggle and make me even more determined to overcome this terrible SSA,but also to continue in my healing journey to heal from these unwanted and unnatural sexual desires that I have that are connected with this terrible SSA.Thanks in advance to all of you for your prayers and encouragement.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,with the exception of church as usual,I have no other plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ
5 comments:
FJ,
For so long I did the same as you when it comes to falling to sexual sin (masturbation, fantasizing...), I asked forgiveness and I felt better afterwards. It was not long though until I fell again to the same thing and the pattern repeated. A few months ago I saw how true repentance really should be practiced. It is asking forgiveness but it also should follow that we do whatever it takes to get healed so we won't keep doing the same thing (sin, that which we know brings us down).
For myself, I finally (after years of falling to that same sin) dealt with all the emotional pain that I found had been dragging me down. I knew why I used masturbation and acting out but it had become an addiction and it was easier to give in than to face the pain. You could call it a form of learned helplessness. Looking back I now see that I used the easy way out concerning how my sin made me feel. I asked forgiveness but I didn't resolve to stop the sinful behaviour. It is still a process but I know the answer is to let no sin remain, I got to believe and act on God's power to deliver and keep me. At times the enemy, Satan, really pours on the negative stuff to get me to doubt God, to get me to concentrate on the past with its failures, to get me to think I have to depend on what worked before (things like sexual acting out to relieve stress, temptation and even to assuage those memories of past experiences that fill our minds). BUT, our God through Jesus Christ, our position as His children, puts us in a place where we are safe in His care we can depend on Him. We may have found it hard in the past to depend on people but we can depend on God, He never leaves us.
As a song says that we sang at church this morning says,
"Your love never fails,
It never gives up,
It never runs out on me."
Praying for you in all things, stand strong.
Stan
Stan
Thanks for these words as I really needed them. Your words are a much needed slap across the face(so to speak). I will put these words of yours into practice. Though it has been almost a year, I am still coping and dealing with the pain of losing my mother to death. Her death is coming up on a year since her passing and still, the pain and the feeling of her absence still continue to plague me. I am still trying little by little to cope and adjust to the loss of my mom. It hasn't been easy for me. But I know that I will overcome the negative emotions soon, though I will always miss my mother and still feel her absence.
I also have to say that my problem with masturbation isn't always with lust/fantasies. There are times when it is usually emotional as I had said in Wednesday's post. There are other times when lust/fantasies play a role and there are also times when it's both emotional and lustful/fantasies. Plus, being a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of a pedophile at three separate intervals of my life, including the rape incident at 16 years old when an ephebophile(a type of pedophile that victimizes adolescent teens)tried to ram his genitals up my rectum with using a condom and the pain that it caused, which was a major contributor, but not the root cause, of my struggle with SSA.
By the way, I requested that another member be added to our Facebook group that helps men like ourselves who struggles with SSA. I also said a prayer for him earlier this evening after he was approved as a member of the group. I am hoping and praying that he gets a lot out of the group. I also advised him to seek advice by the other men in the group about how to handle, in a tactful way, so called "Gay" men who keep trying to take advantage of him by tricking him into sinful sexual encounters with them. Again, I am praying for him and I am also hoping that he will get a lot out of the group.
Thanks again for your encouraging words. They were really, truly and desperately needed. Thank You Stan from the bottom of my heart.
FJ,
I also had a man sexually molest me when I was young (11 years old). There were times at school when there were sexual inferences made toward me, as well as many instances of bullying. I know what you mean by saying that these things were major contributors to SSA. Also as a teen ager another Christian friend asked me to stay the night and he proceeded to introduce sexual acting out. I can also see other things that contributed to my SSA, as the lack of fathering...my dad was there but I so needed his touch and attention. I never heard the words from either parent, "I am proud of you!" or "I love you!" There were things that pushed me away from females, I became afraid of getting too close. These examples and others created emotional pain inside me which I found real hard to deal with, consequently I see now how I escaped by sexual acting out. As I look back this acting out subjected me to such dangers, specially sexual diseases, as I didn't practice safe sex. It is a miracle I am here today, it wasn't a pretty picture I admit. Pride, I feel none of that, it brought only shame on my life. I believed Satan's lies that I wasn't worth much, lies that I couldn't say NO, lies that I now see were from the pit of hell. Praise God, there is victory. Believe it my friend...keep pressing on.
Glad that your were able to add that guy to the FB group. Keep praying.
Praying for you too concerning your memories of your dear mother. Just knowing she is in heaven must be such a comfort.
Stan
Stan
It's ironic that you said that you were bullied. I also was bullied in school as well. I was the victim of harassment, name calling and taunts by bullies and there was nothing done by the school administrators to stop the bullying. It was as if the bullies ran the school rather than the admins of the school. I was also the victim of the old fashioned game out of ignorance of "punish the victim, but not the perpetrator". Since the teachers and the admins did nothing, I wound up defending myself against them mainly using my wits and verbal abilities, but it also got me into trouble at the same time. The thing was that if the teachers and the admins used their power to stop the bullying, I wouldn't have had to use my wits and my verbal abilities on them. I was also the victim of repeated violent attacks by these bullies as well. Fortunately for me, my last two years of school were pretty peaceful as the bullies were given their diploma's and were on their own out in the real world. Today, whenever I read the local newspaper, I still read the names of those who bullied me in the police news for getting busted for various things like harassment of others and possession of any illegal drugs. Two of them are actually serving time in prison for murder. One in Virginia and the other here in New York state. My senior year in school was the best as I was the big man on campus that year as I got involved in activities, such as working on the school's literary publication, working in the school store and working alongside my fellow seniors in preparation for the upcoming senior year festivities, such as class day, senior prom and graduation ceremony. I still cherish the memories of that wonderful senior year to this day.
Regarding the other things that you said after the abuse that you suffered at age 11, I hear you as it also fits me to a T. I also felt worthless and that I had to do these things and I also felt that I didn't have a choice. For a long time, I thought that acting out on these unnatural desires that I had was an inevitability and not a choice as those so called "Gay" activists say that it is. I did later learn through all the groups that I am a member of that acting out is a choice and not an inevitability as I once thought before. My eyes were opened the minute that I read the book "You Don't Have to be Gay" by Jeff Konrad. His book really opened my eyes and I also felt that a 1,000,000,000,000 ton weight had been lifted off of my shoulders as over twenty years of questions were finally answered with that one book. I am currently reading a book called Sexual Healing by David Kyle Foster. I heartily recommend that you also read that book when you get the chance as it delves even deeper into the SSA struggle as well as other forms of sexual addiction. It is also how I learned that new word ephebophile. It helped me build up my vocabulary a little. I am always open to learn new words and things.
Regarding what you said about my mom, once in a while, during the wee early morning hours, I hear her voice calling out to me. No, this is not in my head. I hear it outside of my head good and clear. I guess that she will always check up on me and other members of my family once in a while. I am still missing her and I always will.
Thanks again Stan. Your words are very encouraging to me.
FJ,
I smile when I think of the comments we are racking up here on just this one post of yours :)
When I talk about the bullying I endured I must admit I recall very little of it as I pushed it so down so far. I have scant memories of it and even that is mostly small tidbits of school experiences and walking down town later in the evening to get the mail. Years later my mother made a comment to me that she wondered why I came home with dirt all over me and ripped clothes once in a while. I didn't say anything to her mostly because it was too hard to face and again I had pushed it down. I think because I did that it actually came out later as emotional pain, often I could not understand why I would burst out in tears without not knowing the source of those tears. A friend, about 10 years ago told me he stuck up for me at school when two guys were bullying me back then. Again I don't recall those specific instances, I only know they happened and they caused me to think so little about myself. You mentioned about using your wits and verbal abilities, I was the opposite as I took the abuse and never retaliated or spoke up. This became a pattern in my life as I often let controlling people say abusive/manipulative things to me and all I did was internalize it all. I am thankful for the last job I had here where God led me to a place where the boss and fellow employees were nothing but supportive and when I left there this February to retire they gave me the best going away imaginable.
These last 6 months have been the best in that I have seen sexual thoughts and desires concerning men diminish very significantly. It is not a result of age I know that for sure as I don't have any problem down there (you know what I mean - there is a word for it but it escapes me at the moment). I know it had a lot with my facing head on the emotional pain that I had pushed down for so long. It seemed I would face one thing, cry buckets of tears over it, pray about it and then face another. This wasn't one after the other but just over time I knew there were issues I needed to face and no longer ignore. As I faced them it became easier to stay away from porn, easier to say NO to masturbation accompanied by fantasizing, it became easier to face stress or disappointment without finding that I was tempted to escape it by acting out sexually. It was a few months ago when I came to the realization it was so minimal whereas so many years of my life were filled with acting out in so many ways. I am so glad I never thought of giving up. So often I think I wanted instant relief, instant answers and when it didn't happen I lost the will to persevere and I took the "easy" route and medicated myself by "instant" sexual gratification. That went even over into my relationship with God; if I didn't get immediate answers, in the way I thought they should be, I took to not trusting Him. I am learning that God knows best and he doesn't always answer right away in the way I think he should. I am learning to trust Him no matter how I feel inside. Just the other day walking around the lake I was walking along praying and I just had that amazing feeling I could just fall into my Father God's arms, there was just such a warmth about me.
It's getting late and I have written enough. I just wanted to share with you. Frank, I am sure praying for you concerning everything you have shared. Father God loves you SO much, let his love envelop you, soak into your being, into your mind and emotions, trust him completely, you are safe and secure in our Lord.
Stan
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