Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty fair day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After my coffee,I showered and when I was finished,I had my usual quick breakfast.After that,I did my personal PC work and I simply relaxed for much of the day as I had nothing to do nor anyplace to go due to the reality that my car is out of commission right now.
For the day,I relaxed and spent a lot of time online.I also watched a movie that I popped into the DVD player.After that was over,I started to prepare my evening meal.
After eating,I did some more personal PC work and I relaxed for the rest of the evening.I also started to prepare for my evening retirement.Overall,a pretty fair day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
While my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward,I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is the most difficult of the two for me.Today,though I am still feeling guilty about this,I gave into temptation by manipulating my genitals and yes,sexual images of men did cloud my mind and alongside the genital manipulation,I gave into fantasizing and lusting after other men and when I was at the point of orgasm,I masturbated the rest of the way.I really felt miserable after this and I immediately went to my Heavenly Father in prayer and I asked him to forgive me for sinning in the name of his son Jesus Christ.I also accepted full and total responsibility for my fall and I told my Heavenly Father everything and I left nothing out.I prayed for a while and when I was finished,I felt much better as I truly believed that I was forgiven.After that,I had some rough going for the rest of the day.The rough thing was that my mind was being pelted with sexual images of men.I also had temptations to act out again by fantasies and lusting after these sexual images of men.I didn't want to give in again and later this afternoon,acting on the advice of the former pastor who visited me two days ago,I went to my Heavenly Father in prayer and told him about the temptations that were getting thrown at me.I told my Heavenly Father that I didn't want to give into any temptations and that I hated that I was getting pelted again by sexual images of men.I also said that I hated that I was still finding men sexually attractive and that I hated everything connected to Homosexuality/SSA in general.I also asked my Heavenly Father what was holding me back from becoming the man that he wants me and intends me to be,as well as the man that he wants me to be.I asked him that as tears were starting to come down my eyes.I really don't know how my Heavenly Father will answer that.I really have no idea on how he communicates with us through prayer when we ask him something.If anyone has any ideas,please share them with me in the comments section.I really need answers and I would appreciate some.Fellow blog followers and readers,while I would appreciate some answers to what I asked here,I am again asking that you continue to keep me in your prayers and and also,please leave me some positive verbal support.I would really appreciate some support right now because I am really going through some rough stuff right now with temptations to act out on the unnatural sexual desires that I have and I don't want to act out on them.Because acting out on these unnatural sexual desires that I have will never give me what I want and need,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the authenticity that goes with that affirmation.Please pray for me and also,please leave me some positive verbal support.Thanks in advance to all of you for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for the weekend,with the exception of church as usual,I have nothing planned.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the weekend ahead.FJ