Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go positively.I had a pretty good and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up an hour earlier than usual and bathed.I had a lot on my agenda today.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work quickly as I had an appointment with a local garage to get the emissions hose replaced to quiet my car down as it was sounding like a lawnmower.After getting dressed,I headed over to the garage.
I got there with only 10 minutes to spare and they took the car in right away to get fixed.I waited almost over an hour for my car to get fixed and also,it was a little bit more expensive than I had expected.But I still needed my car and I had to get it fixed as I was getting fed up with feeling like that I was driving a riding lawnmower down the street rather than a car as the sounds that it was making were like a lawnmower.After paying the bill,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local gas station to put some gas in my tank.After doing that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I did some more personal PC work as I needed to finish everything that I couldn't do as a result of my car maintenance appointment.After that,I proceeded to get ready for my other appointment with a sexual abuse support counselor that I was renewing myself with after 2 years.
The meeting with the counselor went as smoothly as expected.After meeting with her for about 1/2 an hour,I headed for home.
On the way home,I decided to stop by a friends house to see how he was doing.After spending a few minutes with him,I headed for the bank to withdraw some money for myself.After the bank,I headed straight home and that is where I stayed for the rest of the day as I had nothing else to do nor any place else to go.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy.I also watched some TV while doing so.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good and eventful day.
Though my recovery continues to go positively,I am still dealing and struggling with depression and it's symptoms.I am dealing with them one day at a time as it is the only way to do so.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping to continue feeling better in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I am still being tempted.I am feeling temptation to act out each and every day.This morning,while preparing for my car repair appointment,I had a close call as I was manipulating my genitals to achieve near hardness or total hardness for the purpose of masturbation.After I got home,I again had another close call.I was this time in front of my computer and yes,I was looking at pictures of nude men online.I again was manipulating my genitals to achieve near or total hardness for the purpose of masturbation while looking at those nude men pics.But I stopped myself on both close calls and washed my hands.The struggle to heal from SSA is not an easy struggle as I am learning this day in and day out.But I won't surrender to the desires.I won't go out and seek a male partner for the purpose of acting out on these unnatural desires,which is what Satan the Devil wants me to do.I won't seek a male partner nor will I have sex with any man,as I already know that acting out in this way,or in the forms of masturbation and pornography,won't get me what I want.I want gender identity affirmation by other men and I also want the feelings of authenticity that go along with that gender affirmation by other men.I want to be affirmed as a man,because it is what I am,and I want to feel like a man inside and outside.I want to be the man that not only I want to be,but the man that God wants me to be,which is a happy Heterosexual man that finds women sexually attractive as men are naturally supposed to be.I also want the sexual feelings that go along with that attraction to members of the opposite gender.I want to desire,crave and be with a woman as God intended us humans that he created to be.He wants us all to be happy Heterosexuals because that is what God intended us humans to be and also,it is the way that God intended sexuality to be.as he did create man and woman for that one reason alone.Regarding the problems,if anyone has any more ideas or advice on how I can overcome them,please share.Thanks.
Tomorrow morning,I have a Men's Network meeting that I will be attending.As for the rest of the day,I have no other plans.But I am hoping that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ