Tonight,my road to recovery continues positively.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and bathed as usual.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and after that was done,I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
Today was a pretty good,if hectic,day.Overnight,we received a dusting of snow,when we were supposed to receive some lake effect styled snow in the form of a storm.But again,we only got a light dusting.I still had some stuff to do and I couldn't let the weather stop me.
I had only one place to go.I went over to a local supermarket to pick up several things.After paying for those items,I headed straight home as a result of the snow and I stayed there for the rest of the day.
When I got home,I put all the groceries away and I relaxed while watching a DVD.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good,if hectic,day.
Though my recovery continues positively,I am still dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression and the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside it.I am dealing with them on a one day at a time basis.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping to continue feeling better in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my struggles with SSA,I am still being tempted to act out day after day.I had a close call this morning when I was manipulating my genitals for the purpose of getting them hard or near hard so I could masturbate.Images of naked men with erections were also clouding my mind and that gave me the motivation to do that.But I managed to stop myself.Still,the temptation is as fresh as it was this morning when I woke up.I really need to take sexual activity with other men off of my mind.I don't want to think about it anymore nor do I want to search for a male partner for the purpose of acting out physically.None of that will get me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity as well as the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Sexual activity with another men and masturbating to nude men images,alongside the viewing of pornography while masturbating,will only make me feel empty inside as the temporary fulfillment of these will only fade away after a while.If anyone can give me any ideas,advice or suggestions on how I can rid my mind of sex with other men,I am open to any of that.Thanks.
As for the weekend,I haven't really made any plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the weekend ahead.FJ
3 comments:
Hi there FJ,
I don't have great words of wisdom for you regarding what you have shared. I have had my own struggles the last couple weeks. There is something I would like to share. Often I feel that the intensity of the sexual temptations is because inside I am fighting to keep away from thinking about what could have been for me. I have these desires which no matter what others say about them being normal, they are not! As a man I am supposed to be attracted to women, have a family, enjoy what normal guys have (the normal God intended) but I don't - I don't want to think about that because it brings enormous tears and a deep rotten feeling inside. I wish those abusive things didn't happen to me and because they did my life was made so complicated. I found that sex was the way to drive all those feelings away and it worked, but now it doesn't work anymore. Facing reality is not easy when it comes to the stuff in our past that devastated our lives. I feel God let sexual stuff become so intense that I had to feel the depth of my depravity so I'd know He afforded the only way out. I had to become desperate. Maybe you have to become desperate to, where there is no alternative but to face all the things that brought you to where you are right this moment. My thoughts here, hope it is okay to share.
Take care my friend.
FJ,
Regarding the message I just sent. It may feel like you will disintegrate into a thousand pieces at times when facing the things that have happened to you and led you to where you are today but you won't. At times I feel just so heavy inside about it all but on the other hand I/we know that our God will take us through, right!
Stan
Please don't feel bad because of what you shared here. By what you shared, we have something else in common. I also feel that the struggle to be the people/men that God wants us to be amidst our SSA, but our desires want us to do the opposite of what is right. We want to do what God through his son Jesus Christ requires of us, but our desires want us to indulge in the sinful sexual activity between two members of the same gender. I know where you are coming from. I too have been struggling with the same things and all the past several weeks, but I just started sharing these things on the blog again after so long because I am really in an uphill battle between my desires and the fight to do what is right. I know where you are at right now at this moment. I am right where you are.
Most of the time, I feel like that I stuck in the middle of the cross walk between Homosexuality and Heterosexuality. One side is Homosexuality. The other side is Heterosexuality. I feel like that I am stuck in the middle of that cross walk. I want to be the Heterosexual that God intended all of us humans to be as he created man and woman for that reason. But my desires want me to go to the Homosexual side and endlessly indulge in all the sinful sexual activity that it offers. But Stan, I don't want to do that. I want to do what is right and follow the law that God set forth when he created man and woman and also, when he handed his law down to Moses after the Exodus from Egypt.
Again Stan, don't feel bad for sharing. I am in the same boat as you are. I know exactly where you're at. Share whatever is on your mind. Don't ever be afraid to do so.
Thanks Stan for sharing and please keep it up. Thanks again.
Post a Comment