Tonight,my road to recovery continues positively.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and after that was done,I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day.
I only had a few things on my agenda today.First,I went to a local hair place to get my hair cut.It really needed it.After getting my hair cut,I went to one of the supermarkets to pick up a couple of small frozen pizzas.After paying for those pizzas,I headed over to a friends house to see how he was doing.After spending a few minutes with him,I headed straight home and that is where I stayed for the rest of the day as I had no place else to go nor any thing else to do.
When I got home,I simply popped a DVD in the DVD player and watched it.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my recovery continues positively,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping to continue feeling better in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation late last night when trying to sleep.I masturbated to a disgusting and degrading sexual fantasy that was clouding my mind,but there was also an emotional factor involved as I also gave into the craving of manipulating my genitals to get hard or near hard for that purpose.Yes,I gave into the temptation by masturbating until climax.I really felt miserable after that,but I fell asleep and when I woke up this morning,I did feel a little bit better as the temptation to act was minimal if nil at best.I didn't have the temptation to act out all day since late last night.I did feel miserable last night after the masturbation episode and I wished that I didn't go there.But I know that it did and since you can't change what is in the past,the only thing to do is move on and forget about it.Though I did give in,I still have to keep in mind that masturbation won't give me what I want.It only fuels the fantasies and doesn't do anything in regards to reconnecting what is lost even when it was never received.Many men with SSA masturbate to try and reconnect with their lost maleness,as Dr.Joseph Nicolosi said in his book Healing Homosexuality:Case Stories of Reparative Therapy.The problem is that masturbation will never make me reconnect with my lost maleness in any way,shape or form.Masturbation will only continue to refuel sexual fantasies and also,to keep reinstating the Homosexual identity,which is something that I am trying to overcome.The only thing that I want to be affirmed is my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with the gender identity affirmation.The only way that I will even get this affirmation is by positive same sex relationships in the forms of friendships,closeness,male bonding and positive and authentic connections with other members of my own gender.I don't want anything sexual with any man at all.I just want to make more male friends.I want them to affirm me as a man.I also want to relate,identify and positively connect with other men.I don't want anything sexual at all.Sex with men will only reinforce the Homosexual identity as I don't want to be a Homosexual anymore.I want to be the man that not only I want to be,but the man that God wants me to be,which is a healthy,happy and well adjusted Heterosexual.I am still yearning and hoping to reach that.Regarding temptation,if anyone out there can help me with any suggestions or advice,please do so.I would greatly appreciate that.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I will be attending the morning's church service and I am looking forward to that.For the rest of the day,no plans as of yet,but I am hoping that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ