Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a little rocky.I had a pretty decent day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed to clean up.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.I also did 3/4 of my personal work and after that was done,I headed over to the Men's Network meeting after getting dressed.
The meeting was wonderful.We watched a comedy video and had some small talk.After the meeting was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up something that I needed.After that,I headed over to the local drug store to pick up something else that I needed.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and finished the last 1/4 of my personal PC work.After that was done,I watched a little TV.
I had only a couple of errands to run.I had to go to a local supermarket to pick up several things that my mom needed me to pick up.After that,I headed straight home to drop the groceries off.My next errand was a little later on as I went to pick up dinner from the local Pizza Hut.After picking that up,I headed straight home and stayed there for the rest of the evening.
When I got home,my mom and I ate and afterwards,I watched the evening news and did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty decent day.
My recovery lately has been a little rocky at best.I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression and the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery starts to improve again very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was feeling tempted to act out for much of the day.I had the temptation to manipulate my genitals to hardness of near hardness for the purpose of masturbation.The temptation was really strong and everything.I did start to do that,but stopped myself.The only thing that I did was go to the bathroom to urinate.When my recovery from the bipolar depression with those schizophrenic tendencies gets rocky,it also affects my struggles with SSA in a negative manner when I do get cravings to act out by either masturbating or watching porn or both.At times,my masturbation is emotionally rooted,while at other times,it is sexually rooted,but it is usually both emotional and sexual with me.I would like to stop doing that as masturbation will never ever connect me with lost maleness.It is simply a dirty and unclean habit that is very addictive and once addicted,it is difficult to break free from it or stop it.I am hoping that there are those that can help with anything.I would like to know what has worked for you.Anything will be helpful.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I am planning on attending the morning's church service and I am hoping that it will be wonderful.After church,I haven't made up my mind as to what I will do.But whatever I choose,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ
3 comments:
Hi there FJ,
You said that your "masturbation is emotionally rooted" and so I believe is other sexual temptations (looking at porn, etc.). About a week ago I came to the realization that I was trying so hard to control my emotions, emotions which often led to sexual acting out. I felt I should pray and ask God to take control of my emotions in the way He desired me to act. It wasn't long before I realized that the old temptations (fantasizing, desire to look at porn, take a second look at a guy, etc) were lessened so much and I hardly thought of them much at all. One night I felt like I was dreaming but in reality I had woke up and in my mind I visualized a whirlpool, where all the old stuff, sexual stuff, was being sucked away and drowned. I really felt God was showing me the old things were being washed away, to be gone forever. I told my Psychologist this today and he agreed that it was a message from God for me. I am so encouraged by it. You should pray about your emotions in that way also, it may be a way for you to find freedom from the compulsion that drives you to think about sexual stuff that causes you to want to act out. Just a thought but felt I should share this with you.
Take good care and have a great Sunday.
Stan
Usually with me, masturbation is emotionally rooted. But Stan, there are times when it is sexually rooted, and there are times when it is both emotionally and sexually rooted. Call me a basket case if you would like to, as I have been called worse than that, but lately, since those two chance encounters that I had with that former acquaintance of mine who is still an active Homosexual, I simply wound up in a tailspin. I have masturbated six consecutive times as a result of what that former acquaintance telling me what he said about being Homosexual in his own way and opinion. It did bring me down. I told him everything that had happened in my life, such as the all the abuse and neglect that I suffered growing up, like the physical and emotional abuse from my father, the sexual abuse that I had endured and suffered at the hands of other members of my own gender. I even shared with the domestic violence incidents that I witnesses when my sister was beaten by a boyfriend, who was also the father of my niece, that she was involved with at the time, and also, the abuse that I suffered and endured at the hands of the religious cult that I followed for two years of my life.
But Stan, I think and was as feel that none of that phased him as he didn't change his opinions about Homosexuality and about those who are active Homosexuals like him. Again, it really brought me down and really put me off guard and that is why I gave into the temptation to act out by masturbating those six consecutive times. So far, the last several days, though at times I am still feeling tempted, I really haven't had any craving to act out in any way, shape or form. But I am still on guard because that all can come back.
Thanks Stan for the encouragement. I will give this a try. Thanks again.
FJ,
First of all, I would never even refer to you as a basket case, as I have been where you feel you are SO many times and I remember them so well. Unfortunately I didn't just masturbate, I went wildly into one on one encounters, and that became a routine that took me deeper and deeper into it. This past week before I had the dream/vision of the whirlpool I spent a couple days with the darkest troubling pain in my stomach as I saw the depths of where I had been back then. I felt the pain of what my sin had caused to myself, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I saw how dirty and degrading it was. At the time back then when I let my sexual desires take over my life it felt like the highest of fun and physical gratification. This past week I got a different picture of it and it felt like I would fall apart. God wanted me to see and feel what I had done and the way I had lived, even professing that I was a Christian at the time. I am just so glad I kept going last week and let God do what He wanted to do in my heart and life. I am so grateful to God who loves me so much, forgave me so much and loves me still, enough to do His work of healing in my life.
FJ, I'm cheering for you in my heart and prayers, you are worth it my friend. You are a valuable human being, remember that, and you will rise above those things that happened to you and come out a strong, whole man.
Stan
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