Tonight,my road to recovery continues going forward,though it is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I wok up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual breakfast and coffee and after that,I did my personal PC work.Afterwards,I got dressed and proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I first went to my usual Monday afternoon group.I had to attend this group as I needed to gain an awful lot out of it.I went there with a lot of positive anticipation and hope.
The group went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things.After paying for them,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work alongside some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery isn't an easy one.Day after day,I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride of BPD.It is always a very difficult thing to put up with.Yesterday,as I was folding my laundry,I got hit with a spell of depression and also,the left side of my head started to hurt.After finishing,I went home to take something for that headache and I laid down for a while.Within an hour,I felt better and had my dinner.I was still feeling depressed,but it soon passed.Aside from that emotional roller coaster ride,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies alongside the BPD and that makes the struggles and endurance even more difficult.It also doesn't make my SSA struggles any easier.I am still going to continue attending my therapy sessions and continue to take my medication as directed.I am still hoping that one of these days,my recovery will start improving.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate when I was awakened twice by morning erections at two separate intervals in the wee early morning hours.The temptation was really overwhelming as both of these erections were throbbing ones indeed.At both times,I had to get up as tossing and turning wasn't working.I simply took a walk to the bathroom on both occasions and the erections softened when I arrived there.I had to go use the bathroom on both these intervals and it did help to kill the temptation.I simply went back to sleep.Though I escaped these episodes,I know that the temptation to act out in any way shape or form can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to continually keep in mind that it will and at times,I have to figure out ways to fight the temptation.Right now,I get tempted to masturbate whenever I get an early morning erection.But I also get tempted in other ways as well.I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of having sexual activity with them,but I don't give into that as that will never give me what I truly need and want.I simply stay home when that temptation starts to happen.I have to keep in mind that having sexual activity with other men will never give me what I need or want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with the affirmation.Acting out on these unnatural SSA desires in any way,shape or form will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me even farther away from what I truly need and want.My needs need to be filled authentically as my needs are not sexual as the needs are really deep and the sexual desires,though unnatural,are from not getting those need met authentically as I never got what I needed and wanted from my father because I never received my father's love nor his affirmation of my male identity at all.All I ever got was his physical and emotional abuse and not what he was supposed to do.All he cared about was his agenda,forcing it on me when I was still a child and not caring about me nor loving me like he was supposed to do.My father was very legalistic in his approach.Again,I did escape those temptations and I am glad.Still,though I did get a word of advice from a follower,I am still open to anything else from any more people.Thanks in advance for anything.
As for tomorrow,I have no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ