Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though the road is still rough.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed and headed out to go to the post office to mail out an important payment that needed to be mailed out.After I was done at the post office,I headed out to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick a couple of things that my mom needed.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the stuff bought away and I did my personal PC work.After that was done,I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I first stopped at a local 7-Eleven to pick up a light lunch.After eating that lunch,I headed over to a friends house to see how he was doing.After spending a few minutes with him,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped to see how another friend was doing.After a few minutes with him,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while,did some recommended Holy Bible reading and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to move forward,but the road is a very rough one.I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I can never tell how my mood will be one day or the next,or at times,one minute to the next.It is simply a continuous roller coaster ride that is always unpredictable.It having BPD wasn't bad enough,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside the BPD.I have to put up with hearing noises and things that nobody else hears,such as footsteps,hearing my name being called and there is nobody around when I turn around to see if someone is calling me and other noises.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier at all.I will continue my therapy sessions and I will also continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start improving and I can start feeling good for a while instead of the roller coaster ride that my emotions are always on.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours to masturbate when I was awakened by an erection.This was also another throbbing one.This erection was almost unbearable and horrendous.I had to really get up and take a walk,but for a while,my penis still remained erect.I just kept it up until it would soften and when I felt that I had to use the bathroom,I simply headed for the bathroom and the erection started to die down.After using the bathroom,I simply went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to continually keep in mind that acting out in any,way,shape or form will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Masturbation,which is a form of acting out either by emotional or fanciful(i.e.fantasy)purposes,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me even further away from my lost maleness that I am trying to attain.The Homosexual identity is an identity that I am trying to distance myself from and escape from and acting out will only reinforce that identity.It the temptation to masturbate isn't bad enough,I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purposes of having sexual activity with them.But I don't go out to satisfy nor fulfill that temptation as it also will never give me what I truly need or want,either.I have to keep in mind God's law regarding sexuality and that God made man and woman and intended each and every one of us living on Earth to be healthy and happy Heterosexuals.Homosexuality is simply an identity that wasn't what God intended for us humans living on Earth as it happened after the fall from perfection when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and were unrepentant in their sin and as a result,led all of mankind into imperfection,sin,including sexual sin,and the worst of all,death.I am only trying to adhere to God's laws regarding sexuality and I don't want to act out on my unnatural desires and reinforce the identity that I am trying to distance myself from and escape,which is Homosexuality.Again,I did get some really good advice from a fellow follower and though I am trying to apply it in my life in my resistance to acting out on my unnatural sexual desires,I am still seeking even more advice and/or suggestions in this area.I am also still open to anything.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
Tomorrow,being Mother's Day,I only have church on my agenda and the Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the worship service.As for the rest of the day,I have no other plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ