Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a very rocky road.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had only a couple of things to do today and I wanted to get them done.
I first had to go to a friend of the family's house to drop something off.After that was done,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up something that was needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a movie.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading for the day.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,but it is still a very rocky road.It is never easy when you have BPD and you have to put up with the constant and continuous emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I don't know how my mood will be one day or another.I don't know if I will be up and feeling good or down and not so good.Sometimes,it can happen on a single day when I can be up and feeling good one minute and then the next minute,down and not so good.I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD.It really makes the struggle with BPD even more difficult.It also makes my struggles with SSA even more difficult.I will continue to attend my therapy sessions and also continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start improving very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another morning erection.It was also another throbbing one.Though tempted,this particular episode didn't last very long as the erection died down while I was getting up to use the bathroom as the erection died down while on the way there.Though I escaped this episode,I have to continue to keep in mind that the temptation to act out on these unnatural sexual desires connected with SSA can rear it's ugly head when least expected.Most of the time,I am usually tempted to masturbate erections away,but I also get tempted in other ways.I get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I stay home when that temptation arises.I also get tempted to fantasize about having sexual activity with other men,but I try to clear my head,change my frame of mind and do something else.Most of my temptation to indulge in masturbation has emotional roots.The emotional roots factor here is that when I am erect,I have the temptation to masturbate it away as that was my old way of coping with that.But now,my priorities have changed and I have to seek other ways to have these erections die down in a healthy way.In this fight to resist these temptations,I have to continually keep in mind that acting out in any way,shape or form will never give me what I truly need and also want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me even further away from getting my same sex needs fulfilled in healthy ways as anything sexual will leave me feeling empty and yearning for even more of that.I truly yearn to relate,identify and connect with members of my own gender in a healthy and authentic way that will lead me to be the man that I want to be and even the man that God intends me to be.Regarding the resistance to masturbate or acting out in other ways,I did receive some advice and though I am applying the advice and trying to remain strong,I am still open to any more advice and/or suggestions.Anything is always appreciated.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I need to attend and I also will have lunch at a local kitchen after the group is over.Aside from these things,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that the benefits that it gives me are positive.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ