Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though the road is still a rough and rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and after that was done,I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the day as I had only a few things planned.
I first headed over to a local laundromat to pick up some laundry for my mom.After paying for it,I headed over to a local Dollar Tree store to pick up a couple of things that were needed.After paying for them,I headed over to the local K-Mart to pick up a few things for myself.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a DVD in the DVD player.After watching the DVD,I talked with a Christian counselor for a while about the temptations that have been overwhelming me as of late and sought advice as to how I can stay strong and resist the temptation to act out in many ways,shapes and forms.
After the talk,which went great,I relaxed again for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
As stated,my road to recovery continues to go forward,but the road is still a rough and rocky one at that.I have BPD and the symptoms that many who have BPD have is a struggle in itself.I have to put up with emotional roller coaster rides on a continuous basis.I don't if I will be up and feeling good or if I will be down and feeling not so good.At times,it all happens on the very same day.I also have schizophrenic tendencies alongside the BPD and that makes the struggle with BPD even more difficult.It also doesn't make my SSA struggles any easier at all.I am going to continue my therapy sessions and I will continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that one of these days,my road to recovery will take a positive turn and I will start feeling good for a long period of time and not be on this continuous emotional roller coaster ride.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was once again tempted to masturbate twice in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened,at two separate intervals,with erections.They both were throbbing erections as well.I really had to fight both of these overwhelming temptations as they were really strong.With the first,I had to get up and walk for a bit and as I did,the erection softened.With the second,I simply tossed and turned and when that didn't work,I started to get up and that is when the erection died down.I went back to sleep after both of these occurrences.While I escaped these two episodes,I have to continually keep in mind that the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have,no matter what form of acting out it may be,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.This time,it was to act out by masturbating,but at other times,I do get tempted to watch porn where there are two members of the same gender indulge in sinful sexual activity with each other.I also get tempted to go out and seek out other men for the purpose of indulging in sinful sexual activity with them,but as I have stated previously,I have chosen to stay home rather than feed or satisfy that particular temptation.The other two,masturbation and porn,are my two main problem areas as they are simply acting out on these unnatural desires without paying the price of doing it with another male partner.Acting out,no matter what form it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to escape and distance myself from.The only identity that I want reinforced is the identity that I am gender wise,which is male.I am a member of the male sex and that is what I am and all I am.God intended for me and other men to be Heterosexual as that is what he supports and approves of.He doesn't approve nor support any sinful sexual activity between two members of the same gender and anything connected with it.I want to remain true to myself as a male and I refuse to accept or even acknowledge the identity that I am not supposed to have,which is Homosexual.I am a man and a male and that is all that I accept about myself,which in itself,is not an easy thing to do.Regarding temptations,I am still seeking advice and/or suggestions as to how I can continually fight and resist these temptations.Please offer anything that you may have and don't be shy.Don't just check my blog out and read what I post,but give me helpful encouragement and advice in the comments section.I yearn for that and I will repeatedly say this until those who read and check this out do share some words of encouragement and advice.Thanks in advance for doing so.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I must attend.After the group,it will be lunch at a local kitchen.As for the rest of the day,I have made no plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ