Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though a little rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day.
I really didn't have too much to do today.I simply went out to the public library to print an article that I wanted to read during my spare time and after that,I visited a friend to see how they were doing and after a few minutes with them.I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a DVD in the DVD player.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my recovery continues,it was a rocky road today.My struggle with BPD wasn't the way it could have gone.I was feeling up and good for a while,but later,I was feeling down and not so good.I am hanging in there and staying with the flow of things.I am still also putting up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have and though it does contribute to the difficulty of putting up with the symptoms of BPD,I try not to make it worse by simply trying to stay occupied and busy.I am still attending my therapy sessions and I am also continuing taking my medication as directed.I am also still relying on God whenever the struggle seems to get too unbearable.I ask God in the name of his son Jesus Christ and after that,I have nothing to worry about as they sustain me whenever I talk about this with them.I do feel better and when I finish talking with them,it is more manageable and I feel more at ease.I am going to continue relying on God and Christ more often because if I don't,I am lost as I can't function without them.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by another throbbing erection.This was yet another overwhelming urge and I really had to use everything that I had to fight and resist this.I simply got up and when I did,the erection softened and when I did die down,I went back to sleep.But I wasn't out of the woods yet as I was tempted twice more and I had to stop myself when that happened.I twice gave into the temptation to manipulate my genitals twice during the morning for the purpose of getting them hard or near hard for the purpose of masturbation and also,sexual images of men were clouding my mind at the same time.I had to stop myself on both of these accounts and asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for doing both of those unclean and impure things that I did.Though I did escape these episodes and believe that I am forgiven,I am still dealing with the temptations to act out in many different ways without doing the ultimate of seeking out other men for the purpose of indulging in sinful sexual activity with them.I don't want to do that as that will never give me the fulfillment that I truly and desperately need,which is the affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I also need to be around my fellow men a lot more and establish close friendships with them that can lead to bonding and healthy and authentic connecting with them,which is the best way to help me feel like a man and feel the way that a man is supposed to feel.I will keep relying on God and Christ more when I get tempted in the near future and I want to have my mind be totally free of lustful and sexual thoughts of men and keep a pure and clean mind.I want to think of pure,wholesome and clean thoughts about my fellow men and view them the way that a man is supposed to view them,which is as brothers in a spiritual sense as all of men are brothers to each other.I keep asking God and Christ to continue leading the way for me and to help get me out of situations that can lead to any traps along the way.Thanks again to God and Christ.
Tomorrow,I have an appointment to meet with my general doctor about the results of my recent blood work.As for the rest of the day,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ