Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I showered.After my shower,I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed and I did my personal PC work.After that was done,I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I really didn't have too much to do today.I delivered free newspapers to a few residents that I deliver to each week.When that was done,I paid a visit to a friend of mine to see how they were doing and after visiting with them for a few minutes,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little TV.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day today.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
While my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward,I am still in my daily battle and struggle with the symptoms of BPD and it's accompanying emotional roller coaster ride.My moods and/or emotions vary by the day,or at times,by the minute/moment within the same day.It can get pretty tiresome and monotonous at times.Aside from that,I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my BPD struggles even more difficult.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also continuing to take my medication as directed.I am also continuing to rely more on God and his son Jesus Christ whenever this particular struggle seems to be getting way too unbearable for me to handle.I simply take this particular struggle with God and ask him to get me through this in the name of his son Jesus Christ and they both help in sustaining me.It shows that I am not alone in this particular struggle and that makes me feel a tad better.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,the temptation to masturbate once again came at me in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another throbbing erection.I had to really use all of my strength to fight and resist this temptation.I sat up and proceeded to get out of bed and,though it was slow going,the erection started to soften.I stood up and proceeded to walk a little and the erection fully softened as I did this and after that,I went back to bed and back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I was tempted throughout the day to indulge in sinful sexual activity by ways of lusting and fantasies,as well as to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them near/fully erect and/or to the point of orgasm and stopping to these sexual images of men that were clouding my mind,which was motivating the temptation to lust and fantasize.I simply decided to take these temptations to God in prayer and asked him in the name of his son Jesus Christ to give me the strength to fight and resist these temptations as they were coming at me from all sides.Each and every time that I resist any temptation,and ask God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to get me through it and to also give me strength to fight and resist them,the temptations keep coming back stronger each time.This tells me that Satan and his minions will never give up trying to get me to indulge in sinful sexual activity with other men or to lust after other men and fantasize about indulging in all of that.I also get tempted to watch porn online and I still get tempted to go out and seek out other men for the purpose of indulging in sinful sexual activity with them,but when that particular temptation comes around,I simply and willfully choose to stay home rather than give into that particular temptation.I know that acting out on these unnatural desires that I have will never give me what I want and need,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that gender identity affirmation.I also know that acting out in any way,shape or form will only reinforce the Homosexual/Gay identity,which is the identity that I am trying to escape from and disown as I don't want to be Homosexual.I simply want to be the man that God intended and wants me to be.I only accept that I am a male and a man.Aside from accepting that I am a human being,I accept nothing else other than that.I refuse to let a label,such as "Homosexual/Gay" define who I am nor will I let the unnatural desires that I have define me nor will I let them dictate to me how I will act nor react.I am simply a man/male and that is all that I am.Admittedly,it is never easy too accept one's true identity,but once it is done,that person is in Phase One in their healing from SSA and the unwanted and unnatural sexual desires that are connected with it.While I have been keeping up in prayer to both God and his son Jesus Christ,I am also asking that everyone who follows my blog and reads the posts that I leave here to also please continue in prayer for me.I also ask that you please leave an encouraging word or two in the comments section.It is just that my blog gets many visitors,but rarely leave anything in the comments section.Please don't be shy.Please leave an encouraging word or two for me in the comments section.I ask this because both your prayers and your encouraging words both help keep me going in this fight and struggle.They also make me even more determined to continue in my journey of overcoming this terrible SSA,but also to continue in my healing from these unwanted and unnatural sexual desires that are connected with SSA.Thanks in advance to all of you for all of your prayers and your encouragement.Thanks also to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
Tomorrow,the only thing on my agenda is the last Wednesday night dinner in my church's fellowship hall.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ