Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues onward,though today was a little more bumpy.I had a pretty good day today,despite some setbacks.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I showered.After my shower,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed and was hoping to get around to doing my personal PC work,but that is when the setbacks started.I was without internet for much of the morning as a result of some money that I owed the phone company,who also provides my internet service.I was without it for much of the morning and was actually thinking of going to the public library to do my work,but my locally living sister came to the rescue and she let me use her card for a one time only payment.Though I had some hassles in applying the payment,I managed to get it done and ten minutes later after applying payment,my internet service was restored and I did my personal PC work as I planned and after that,I proceeded with the rest of the day.
Though today is supposedly the First Day of Spring,it don't look like it.It snowed overnight and the weather is COLD!It was only a light dusting,but it was still COLD! and FREEZING!As a result of this,I stayed home for much of the day to relax and watch a DVD or two.I still had plans for today and I didn't let the weather stop me from fulfilling them.The main plan was the last dinner at my church's fellowship hall and I was looking forward to that.I simply relaxed for a while and eagerly awaited the time to come to leave and go there.
The dinner was wonderful and I enjoyed the fellowship with my fellow worshipers.After the dinner was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did some personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day,despite some setbacks.
While my rocky road to recovery continues onward,despite the road being a little more bumpy,I am still in my daily battle with the symptoms of BPD and it's accompanying emotional roller coaster ride.I never know how my moods and/or emotions will be from one day to the next,or at times,from one minute/moment to the next within the same day.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that make my BPD struggles even more difficult.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also continuing to take my medication as directed.I am also still continuing to rely more on God and his son Jesus Christ whenever the struggle seems to be getting way too unbearable for me to handle.I simply bring this particular struggle to God and talk about to him in the name of his son Christ Jesus when I am feeling a little more overwhelmed than usual and they both help in sustaining me.It shows that they are there to help me and that is wonderful,plus it also makes me feel a tad better.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another throbbing erection.I sat up for a while and the erection started to soften and when it was fully softened,I laid back down and went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I did give into a later temptation after getting up out of bed by manipulating my genitals for the purpose of getting them near/fully erect and/or to the point of orgasm and stopping,and yes,sexual images of men clouded my mind and lusting and fantasizing followed.Fortunately,I stopped myself and immediately asked God to forgive me for falling into sin by doing all of these things and I felt much better as I truly believed that I was forgiven and I moved on with the rest of the day.I was tempted to act out by lusting and fantasizing throughout the day and yes,the temptation to manipulate my genitals to those sexual and lustful images of men was also there.I kept up in prayer all day to God in the name of his son Jesus Christ whenever these temptations came at me.I asked God in the name of his son Christ Jesus for strength to fight and resist these urges.I am learning by the day that the more I resist any temptations,the more stronger that they become.I have to always keep asking God in the name of Christ Jesus Christ to give me the strength day after day so I don't fall into sin.I still get tempted to go out and seek out other men for the purpose of indulging in sinful sexual activity with them,but I simply and willfully choose to stay home whenever that particular temptation comes around.I have to constantly keep in mind that acting out on these unnatural sexual desires that I have will never give me what I want and also,so desperately need,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that gender identity affirmation,as acting out will only reinforce the Homosexual/Gay identity,which is the identity that I am trying to disown and stay far away from.Though I have been keeping up in prayer,I am also asking that all of you who follow my blog that you please keep up in prayer for me as I am going through all of this and also,please leave an encouraging word or two in the comments section.My blog gets many visitors and curiosity seekers,but comments are rare.Please don't be shy when visiting and leave an encouraging word or two for me in the comments section.I ask these things because both your prayers and your encouraging words help keep me going in this fight and make me even more determined to continue my journey in overcoming SSA and to heal from the unnatural sexual desires that I have that are connected with SSA,so I can be the man that God wants me to be and intended for me to be.Thanks in advance to all of you for your prayers and encouragement.Thanks also to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
Tomorrow,I have my usual spirituality group and lunch at a local kitchen.As for the rest of the day,I have nothing else planned.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ