Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I showered.After my shower,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day as I had a few things planned.
For much of the day,I was out in the community running a few errands.I collected a few bottles and cans and I also did a little shopping at a local supermarket.After that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the stuff that I bought away and I prepared my evening meal.While eating,I watched a movie that I popped into the DVD player and watched the rest after I was finished eating.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
While my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward,I was feeling disillusioned and saddened early this evening.I gave into temptation by masturbating.Yes admittedly,sexual images of men did cloud my mind and since I do live alone since my mother died last year,I gave into them.I live alone and I do feel lonely at times.This Sunday,my mom's birthday will be here and my mother would have been 84 if she lived a little longer.I am still feeling her absence and it's harder for me than it is for my locally living sister because I lived with my mom in the house until the day she died a little over a year ago.I am not trying to justify nor excuse the fall.No,far from it.I was simply sitting in a chair at home and I gave into these terrible temptations.I hate that I struggle with this terrible SSA.I hate that I find members of my own gender sexually attractive.I hate that I sinned.I hate everything having to do with this terrible struggle with this terrible SSA.I hate that I feel practically all alone in this terrible struggle as far as living in the area that I live goes.I understand that the condition itself is not sinful.It is the sexual activity that is associated with Homosexuality that is sinful.I want to heal from this terrible SSA condition.I want to change.I want to be the man that my Heavenly Father intended me to be.I also want to be the man that I was meant to be,but somehow,my male identity got lost somewhere and I am trying to find it and reconnect with it.I am talking about my gender identity,which is male and is actually my true identity,and not just my gender identity,but also,male is also my true sexual identity.The thing is that Homosexual/Gay is a false identity and that identity does nothing to enhance any sexual identity,but simply wrecks,destroys and simply ruins lives.I don't want my life ruined by that terrible sinful sexual activity connected with this terrible SSA.After I fell,I asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me in the name of his son Jesus Christ.I prayed real hard and I poured myself out to him.I left nothing out.I did feel better after I was finished,but I have to keep working on myself.I have to work on stopping myself from falling into sin so much.I have to be careful that I don't become a habitual sinner again like I was before I discovered the truth about Homosexuality/SSA.I don't want to fall into that trap of becoming a habitual sinner.I am again asking that y'all who follow my blog and read my posts to please continue praying for me.I need your prayers desperately.I also ask that none of you be shy and leave me some encouraging words in the comments section.Your positive verbal encouragement can be in the form of scriptural upbuilding,spiritual encouragement or simply to continue pressing on.I need both your prayers and your positive verbal encouragement.Please everyone.I don't want to feel that I am all alone.I know that I am not really all alone in this particular struggle,but in my area,I do feel all alone as there aren't any programs that help men like me who struggle with this terrible SSA.I really want to heal from this terrible SSA.Please pray for me.Please leave me some positive verbal encouragement in the comments section.I really and desperately need both of those things.Thanks in advance to all of you for your continued prayers and your continued positive verbal encouragement.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for the weekend,with the exception of church on Sunday as usual,I have made no plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ