Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
Today was a simple work day.I went to work and went home after it was done.
I did my personal PC work while at home and went out to get a couple of things for my evening meal.I headed for home.
I ate my meal at home and I did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still terribly struggling with SSA.
I gave into temptations earlier today.It was in my office at work while on a short break.I really felt miserable about this and it really ate at me like something that I can't describe.
I have been posting about my struggles and being open and not hiding anything,but nobody has left anything in the comments section.
I keep asking for encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding,but nobody has left anything.
I am really struggling right now.I need some help.I need positive verbal encouragement.I also need some spiritual upbuilding.
I feel that everybody who has read my blog before have given up on me.Please don't give up on me.I need people to be behind me in my struggle.I need to know that I'm not alone,though I do feel alone right now.
Please pray for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support,in the forms of positive encouragement and spiritual upbuilding,in the comments section.
I need support.I need people to be behind me.Please let me know if you're still with me.
Thanks in advance for offering encouragement and upbuilding.Thanks also to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
1 comment:
FJ,
I'm still with you...can't forsake a brother. We have both faced the same temptations so when I say I am praying for you I will concentrate on those common areas. I don't know for sure how you feel about yourself but I know I often got so down on myself even to the point of hating myself for my struggle. If you find yourself there please know in that moment that God sees and hears you...He sees your tears, He hears your pleas for help...ask Him to show you what to do, listen to His still small voice (I find that when I get still enough I do feel Him revealing how much He loves me).
I have always found myself attracted to the story of the Prodigal son (Luke 15:11-24). Just yesterday I stopped at verse 9 which says, "here I am starving to death." In the Parable he is physically starving but as I read it I looked at where I have often been in my life and in reality I was "starving", not physically, but starving for love. As a kid and all along the way I felt such a need for love (I didn't always find I could explain how I felt or describe it in words) and unfortunately I turned to sexual acting out with guys thinking somehow that was love. Yesterday I felt God showed me that all along I had been starving for love...God's love (love that never gives up on me, love that never abandons me, love that I can trust, His love makes me feel pure and clean.) They say that homosexuality is really not about the sex, its about the way the person deals with life. I had to really think about that but now I see I used sex to make me feel better, even to drive away the negative way I felt about myself. I was starving for love but was using an ineffective and actual harmful and addictive way to deal with life and how I felt.
Later in verse 20 the Bible says that "that even while he was still a long way off, his father say him and was filled with compassion (love) for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." I don't know about you but man in many ways I have missed a father like that and part of my problem was I thought sex was the only way I could relate to another guy to get them to even notice I existed; what a horrible deception from the devil himself (a lie that I now see from the pit of hell). God is my/our Father and He wants us to run to Him alone, no matter our past. The father in the Parable didn't even pay much attention to his son when he tried to tell his father how unworthy he felt (verse 21), the father just got his servants to bring the best robe, a ring, sandals for his feet, and then to prepare a feast, he was so excited that his son was home.
I don't know how you see all this, but that is a picture of the Father we have (as His children) who is waiting for us to need Him more than ANYTHING ELSE.
It is not an easy journey because we have acted out (masturbation, fantasizing, etc) for a long time and it has affected even the function of our brain. Just a couple quotes I found just the other day that might help to describe what happens:
"sexual acting out...those urges have the capacity to overwhelm the higher, cortical functions of the brain.
"sexual release gives a jolt of dopamine that changes the way you feel, making you feel better in a brief period of time."
You can probably relate to the fact that it takes so little sometimes, even just a picture, a sexual fantasy, etc., that in a moment we find ourselves acting out. That I believe is because we have acted out so much that our brain has been affected. It is something to keep in mind when praying to ask God to heal those pathways to the brain that have been negatively affected. To be aware of those things that you know are your weaknesses and that have dragged you down in the past...and then to stop those thoughts with God's help. God wants us to be free much more than we do ourselves. Our will is so weak, we need His love so much to persevere. We can make it, FJ.
Stan
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