Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my usual personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I had only a couple of things that I needed to get done.I first went to the local Dollar Tree store to pick up a few things for my mom and after paying for them< I headed straight home.
When I got home,I simply had a light lunch and after that,I headed back out again to do a couple more important things.
I stopped at a local 7-Eleven to pick up a light snack and something to drink with it.After finishing the snack,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a DVD in the DVD player.I even did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to move on,though the road is still and rough and rocky one.Then again,it is never easy putting up with the emotional roller coaster ride and the other various symptoms of BPD.I never know how my mood will be from one day to the next.I can never predict that.It is just that the roller coaster ride that goes with the territory can get pretty monotonous and tiresome at times.As I have stated before,one day,I can be up and feeling good while on another day,down and feeling not so good.Sometimes,it happens in one day.Apart from BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD,which makes the struggle even more difficult.It also doesn't make my SSA struggles any easier at all,either.I am going to continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I hope that one of these days,my recovery will improve and I will start to feel good for a while rather than this dreaded emotional roller coaster ride.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by another erection twice.The first time,I had to get up and use the bathroom and while going there,the erection died down and after I was finished in the bathroom,I went back to sleep.The second time,I simply turned to my right side and the erection died down and again,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this double whammy,I know that the temptation to act out in every way can rear it's ugly head when least expected.When this happens,I have to continually keep in mind that acting out in any way,shape or form will never give what I truly need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with the affirmation.I also have to continually keep in mind that acting out on these unnatural desires will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to escape,flee and distance myself from.I don't want to have anything sexual with any man.I want to be accepted and affirmed by my fellow man.I also want to relate,identify and connect with my fellow man in a healthy authentic way.My needs are basically emotional needs that need to be fulfilled in healthy and authentic ways and sexual activity will only distance myself from fulfilling those needs in a healthy and authentic way.The temptation to act out on these unnatural desires have really been overwhelming me as of late.I still get tempted to go out and seek other male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but again,I simply stay home and willfully refuse to feed or satisfy that temptation as that really isn't what I want to do.Though I did receive some helpful advice and I am trying my hardest to apply it,I am still open to any more advice and/or suggestion as to what has worked for others who have been in the same predicament that I am in.Thanks in advance for anything.
Tomorrow,it will be church as usual,including the morning Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the worship service.Aside from this,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ