Tonight,my road to recovery continues moving forward,though still a rough and rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I left the house to do some necessary and personal work.
I first went to the bank to withdraw some more money for myself.After that,I headed over to the post office to mail out an important payment.After that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I did my personal PC work and I also registered some bills at the Where's George site.After that was done,I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day.
I first went to a local supermarket to pick up some groceries that my mom wanted me to get.After paying for those,I headed over to the local K-Mart to pick up some necessary personal items.After paying for those,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a DVD that I popped in the DVD player.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my recovery continues to go onward,it is still a rough and rocky at that.Since I have BPD,I am always on an emotional roller coaster ride.I never know how my mood will be from one day to the next.I don't know if my mood will be up or if my mood will be down.It is a very continuous thing.I sometimes wish that I didn't have to go through something like this.Aside from BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have and that makes the struggle with BPD even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier,either.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue seeking my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that someday soon,I will get a break from this emotional roller coaster ride and start feeling good for a while rather then this up and down thing that I am constantly on.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation in the wee early morning hours when I masturbated an erection away.Later on in those same wee early morning hours,I got yet another morning erection that woke me up out of deep sleep,but that died the minute that I started to move.I really felt bad about this particular episode.I gave into the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires and though the fall was emotional,it is still considered acting out.I don't want to act out on these unnatural desires in any way,shape or form anymore,but I do give into the temptation to do so at times and when I do,it makes me miserable and I feel guilty for doing so.Again,I don't want to act out anymore as acting out on these unnatural desires that I have will never give me what I truly need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.On a daily basis,I still get tempted to go out and seek other male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I willfully choose to stay home rather than give into that temptation to do anything immoral,such as having sexual activity with another man.I want to be strong and I want to give up this terrible and unclean habit of masturbation.I don't want to masturbate anymore.Again,if anyone has anything that can help me,please share and I will use it to the best of my own ability.Thanks.
Tomorrow,it will be church as usual in the morning and in the afternoon,I will be going to the laundromat to do my laundry as it is beginning to pile up.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ