Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I showered.After my shower,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day as I had a few things planned.
I first decided to pick up a prescription of mine from the drug store and after paying the co-pay for it,I decided to stop in and see how a friend of mine was doing.I hadn't heard from this friend in over a month and was really concerned about him.After spending a few minutes with him,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local Salvation Army thrift store to buy a few things.After paying for them,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little TV.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
While my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward,I am still dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and it's accompanying emotional roller coaster ride.I am always on this constant ride that can get monotonous day after day and/or minute/moment to minute/moment.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my BPD struggles even more difficult.Aside from the emotional roller coaster ride,I also have to put up with hallucinatory symptoms of schizophrenia at the same time.I am still attending my therapy sessions and I am also continuing to take my medication as directed.I am also still continuing to rely more on God and his son Jesus Christ whenever this struggle seems to be getting way too unbearable for me to handle.I simply talk about this particular struggle with God in the name of his son Jesus Christ and they both help in sustaining me.I am not alone in this particular struggle and that is great.It also shows that God and Christ Jesus are there to help lead the way and try to make me feel more a little at ease.Thanks to both God and his son Christ Jesus for everything that they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another throbbing erection.I had to use all of my strength to fight and resist this temptation.I tossed and turned,but the erection stayed hard and throbbed even more.I sat up and proceeded to get out of my bed and that is when the erection started to soften.I didn't lay back down again until the erection had fully died down and when it did,though it took a little longer for it to soften than usual,I simply got back into bed and right back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I did give into a later temptation to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them near/fully erect and/or to the point of orgasm and stopping and yes,lustful thoughts and sexual images of men also crept up into my mind while I was doing this.I stopped and I immediately asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for these sinful things that I did and I truly believed that I was forgiven as I felt better after praying.I am learning day after day that the SSA struggle is a very difficult one indeed.I am always craving sex with other men and at times,lustful thoughts and sexual images of men creep up into my mind.When these things happen,I continually keep in mind that these cravings reveal a need that is emotional and not sexual.It is basically same sex emotional needs that need to be fulfilled authentically with positive male to male contact and having positive,authentic and healthy relationships with other men in a healthy Christian way and not in a sexual way.Day after day,I still get baloney from those who are active in that sinful sexual lifestyle known as the so called "Gay" lifestyle,such as "Being 'Gay' is NOT a lifestyle choice", "being 'Gay' is who you are and what you are and nothing can be done about it", "you're 'Born this way' and that's that", with the worst being "God made you 'Gay" for a reason and that sexual activity between two members of the same gender isn't as sinful as it made up to be."But fellow followers and readers,I know that these are all lies made up by men under the influence of Satan,the Devil as Satan wants those who have unnatural sexual desires for members of their own gender to simply go out,live it up and celebrate the "fact" that you are "Gay" and have as much sex as you want to.I know that Satan is out there waiting to devour people and make them turn against the true God,his church and also,his own only begotten son Jesus Christ and to simply ignore what the Holy Bible says as it is simply a mere book of fantasy stories written by different men with very wild imaginations.I hear all of that all of the time and at times,I wish that I didn't hear it so much.I know that the sexual activity between two members of the same gender is wrong and sinful as the Holy Bible,which is God's inspired word and perfect law,says that it is.These things that are written in the Holy Bible were written down for a reason.It was to protect us from the sinful world that is under the influence of Satan and where people are indulging in all the sinful sexual activity,including,but not limited to,the sexual activity between two members of the same gender,that the world offers and all other sorts of sinful activity.I also have to continually keep in mind that indulging in sinful sexual activity with another man is never going to get me what I truly want and truly need,which is affirmation of my gender identity,feelings of authenticity of being accepted by other men despite my faults and struggle and also,to feel like one of the guys and also,to feel like a man,as that type of sexual activity will only reinforce the so called "Gay" identity,which is the identity that I refuse to identify myself with.These unnatural sexual desires that I have are simply indications of deeper emotional needs that I have that need to be fulfilled in a healthy and authentic way and not sexual.While I do have these unnatural desires that are connected with SSA,I know that I have the choice whether or not that I want to act out on them and I am simply willfully choosing not to act out on them.Of course,that choice isn't easy to make as it is easier to choose to indulge in all that sinful sexual activity that the so called "Gay" lifestyle offers,but I look at it this way,I am not pleasing men by making that choice.I am simply pleasing God and showing that I truly accept his perfect law,the truth of his sacred word,the Holy Bible,and his true and real purposes in regards to how we are to act as his servants and also,accept his perfect laws in regards to sexuality.Admittedly,that choice isn't easy to make,but that choice does bring many rewards by God and Christ in the long run.I also would like to say again that the only identity that I accept is that I am a male and a man and aside from being a human being,I refuse to accept anything else other than that.I have disowned the "Gay" identity as I refuse to let the unnatural desires that I have define nor dictate to me how I will be or act.I have kept up in prayer all day whenever any temptations come at me and I ask for strength from God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to fight and resist all temptations as they came at me.Though I continue to do that,I am again asking for prayers by everyone who follows my blog and reads my posts regularly and also,I once again ask that you leave an encouraging word or two in the comments section as both your prayers and your encouraging words both help keep me going in this fight and also,they both make me even more determined to continue in my journey in overcoming this terrible SSA.It is just that my blog gets many visitors,but the visitors usually don't leave any encouraging comments or two.Please don't be shy and make my day by leaving an encouraging word or two in the comments section and also,please continue praying for me as well.Thanks in advance to all of you for your prayers and for your encouraging words.Thanks also to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that give and provide.
Tomorrow,with the exception of church in the morning,I have really nothing else planned.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ