Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good,but quiet,day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I showered.After my shower,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I didn't too much on my agenda for today.I only went to a couple of places where I had to do a couple of necessary things.
I first went to a local Dollar Tree store to pick up a couple of things that I needed.After paying for those items,I headed over to a local bargain outlet store,but couldn't find what I was looking for.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a DVD into the DVD player and watched it.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good,but quiet,day.
While my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and it's accompanying emotional roller coaster ride.I never know how my moods and/or emotions will be from day to day,or sometimes,from minute/moment to minute/moment within the same day.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my BPD struggles even more difficult.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also continuing to take my medication as directed.I am also still continuing to rely more on God and his son Jesus Christ whenever this particular struggles seems to be getting way too difficult for me to handle.I simply talk about this particular struggle with God in the name of his son Jesus Christ and they both help in sustaining me.It shows that I am not alone in the particular struggle and that makes me feel a tad better.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,the temptation to masturbate came at me again in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another throbbing erection out of a deep sleep.I tossed and turned repeatedly,but that only made the erection throb even more.I sat up and proceeded to get up out of bed and that is what made the erection start to soften.I went back to sleep when my genitals were fully soft.Though I escaped this episode,I did give into a later temptation to fantasize and lust after other men and I also gave into the subsequent manipulation of my genitals while doing that,but I did stop myself before it went too far and I asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for my sins and after that,I did feel better as I knew that I was forgiven and my sin was forgotten by God.Throughout the day,I was tempted every time as the temptations kept coming at me from all sides.I was tempted to look at porn and also,to fantasize and lust after other men.Whenever these temptations come around,I also get tempted to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting near/fully erect and/or to the point of orgasm and stopping.I had to really pray hard to God in the name of his son Jesus Christ all day as these terrible temptations kept coming at me from all sides.I had to keep up in prayer to God in his son Christ Jesus' name all day and I kept asking for strength to fight and resist all of these temptations.It is just that thoughts of impure and immoral sexual images of men keep creeping up into my mind and I really don't know how I can get them off of my mind.I don't want to think of anything sexual in regards to men,but lately,they have been coming into my mind and I just want them to go away and leave me alone.I was also tempted to go out and seek out other men for the purpose of indulging in sinful sexual activity with them,but I chose to stay home rather than feed that particular temptation as I know that any sort of sexual activity with other men won't give me the fulfillment that I truly want,but mostly need.Sexual activity with other men and also,lusting and fantasizing with other men will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to distance myself from and disown.I hate that I have these feelings that are both unwanted and unnatural.I don't want to feel these feelings anymore,but I am still feeling them over and over day in and day out.I am again asking that all of you who follow my blog and read my posts here to please continue praying for me as I am going through this difficult emotional time and also,please don't be shy and leave an encouraging word or two in the comments section of my blog.My blog gets many visitors and curiosity seekers,but they rarely leave any comments.Please leave me an encouraging word or two for me as I could use some encouragement.Your prayers and your encouraging words both help keep me going in this fight and also,make me even more determined to continue to overcome this terrible SSA and also,to continue in my healing journey to heal from these unwanted and unnatural sexual desires that are connected with this terrible SSA.Thanks in advance to all of you for your prayers and your encouragement.Thanks also to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
Tomorrow,with the exception of church as usual,I have really nothing planned.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ